What should I say if my child does not pass the 11+?

Reassure your child that the 11+ is only one test and not a reflection of their intelligence or potential. Emphasise their effort, progress, and the many alternative school environments in which they can succeed.

Are grammar schools always better for long-term academic success?

Research shows no clear evidence that selective school systems lead to better long-term academic outcomes. The right learning environment for your child is more important than the selectivity of the school.

How Parents Can Best Support Their 10/11-Year-Olds When Preparing for the 11+ Exams

Q: How many hours per week should my child revise for the 11+?

Most children benefit from two to four short revision sessions per week, depending on their starting point. Quality matters more than quantity and excessive preparation can negatively affect wellbeing and performance.

Q: Does my child need a tutor to pass the 11+?

Not necessarily. Some children thrive with structured tutoring while others do well with school-led preparation and practice papers. Tutoring should support understanding, not replace it or create unnecessary pressure.

Q: How do I know if the 11+ will be too stressful for my child?

If your child shows increased anxiety, avoids tasks, becomes distressed by minor mistakes, or feels overwhelmed by the exam process, the 11+ may be contributing to undue stress. It may help to discuss concerns with your child and their teacher.

Lucy Steward
Dec 7, 2025
3 min read

Preparing for the 11+ exams is often a pivotal moment for families. Parents want to give their child the best chance of success, yet it is equally important to protect their confidence, wellbeing, and long-term relationship with learning.

Understanding what the 11+ involves, and how your child responds to challenge, can help you support them in a way that is healthy, effective, and tailored to their individual needs.

Is Grammar School the Right Environment for Your Child?

While grammar school can be an attractive option, it is not the only pathway to academic or future success. Children thrive in different environments, and the decision to sit the 11+ should be based on a realistic assessment of:

your child’s temperament
their current academic profile
how they respond to pressure
their long-term learning needs
the type of environment in which they flourish

Some children enjoy fast-paced, competitive settings. Others may find a highly selective school overwhelming. Understanding this early can prevent unnecessary anxiety for both parent and child.

The Reality of Grammar School Pressure

Having spent seven years in a grammar school myself, I have seen how competitive these settings can be. Even minor assessments can trigger significant stress, and many pupils feel an implicit pressure to achieve perfect results, often believing that anything less than full marks is a failure.

For some children, this fuels motivation. For others,especially those who thrive on positive reinforcement, this environment can create:

reduced self-confidence
increased stress
fear of making mistakes
a sense that improvement is never enough

Parents play a crucial role in counteracting this by celebrating effort, growth, and resilience rather than focusing purely on outcomes.

Understanding the Role and Risks of Tutoring

Tutoring is increasingly common for 11+ preparation and, when used appropriately, can help students understand the exam format and practise essential skills. However, excessive tutoring can be counter-productive.

Children who rely heavily on intensive tutoring may:

struggle to cope once the external support disappears
find the pace of grammar school challenging
become demotivated when they cannot sustain the same level of coached performance
ultimately thrive better in a less-pressured environment

This aligns with a 2023 study from University College London (UCL), which showed no evidence that selective school systems improve long-term academic attainment.

Parents should therefore avoid creating pressure around exam results. Reassurance, rather than expectation, sets the tone for healthier preparation—and often better performance.

Protecting Your Child’s Wellbeing During 11+ Preparation

Just as adults need work-life balance, children also need free time, rest, and unstructured play. Too much revision can strain mental health and become counterproductive.

To support wellbeing, parents can:

Set realistic and manageable study schedules
Build breaks and fun activities into the week
Encourage healthy sleep habits and downtime
Avoid comparing their child to peers
Emphasise that effort matters more than perfection

Crucially, motivation should come from your child. Your role is to provide structure and encouragement, not pressure.

Communicating the Right Message: Success Is Not Defined by a Single Test

If your child does not pass the 11+, it is essential that they know:

it is not a measure of their intelligence
it does not determine their future
there are many educational routes in which they can excel
your pride in them is not tied to the result

Children who feel supported, rather than scrutinised, approach the exam with a far healthier mindset.

Conclusion

The 11+ exam period can feel intense, but it is only one moment in a child’s learning journey. Whether your child secures a grammar school place or follows a different path, their confidence, wellbeing, and long-term development matter far more than the outcome of a single test.

By offering balanced preparation, emotional reassurance, and realistic expectations, parents can help their child navigate the 11+ with resilience, and maintain a positive relationship with learning for years to come.

Parent FAQs About Supporting Children Through the 11+ Exams

1. How many hours per week should my child revise for the 11+? Most children benefit from 2–4 short sessions a week, depending on their baseline. Quality matters more than quantity, and over-preparation can be harmful.

2. Does my child need a tutor to pass the 11+? Not necessarily. Some children thrive with structured support, while others do very well with school-led preparation and practice papers. Tutoring should supplement—not replace—the child's own understanding.

3. How do I know if the 11+ will be too stressful for my child? Signs may include school anxiety, avoidance, perfectionism, or disproportionate upset over minor mistakes. Observe behaviour and discuss openly without pressure.

4. What should I say if my child does not pass the test? Reassure them immediately that they are not defined by a single result. Highlight their strengths, effort, and the many alternative pathways available.

5. Are grammar schools better for long-term academic success? Evidence does not show improved long-term outcomes solely from attending a selective school. The right environment for your child is far more important.